2005 sign-off

It's not NYE yet, but I'm working on Saturday so I'll have to sign-off for the year now.

I've kept a journal since 1995 and today I read back through all my New Years Eve sign-off messages from each year.

(Actually - that's a lie - I stopped writing in mid-2001 because my life felt together and I had no need to rant about anything in a diary. I started again in mid-2004 on Blogger - because I found myself falling back into that hole again and needing to let it all out. But I digress.)

At the end of each year, I've said something about how grown up I now feel, about how I've changed but remain the same, about how the year has been full of surprises, how I'm thankful for my family and friends, and how much I anticipate from the next year.

Well, this is year has been no different.

In January, I struggled with finishing data collection for my PhD and commenced the onerous "write up" stage. As of now, it's still coming along - I'm doing work on it everyday and I hope to submit it some time in the next couple of months. I hate it - it's frustrating - but it's an achievement that I can't wait to finish.

In Feb, I celebrated my 1st wedding anniversary. That was just lovely.

Throughout the year, and culminating in November, things got tough family-wise as a whole lot of problems to do with divorce and betrayal went underway. I wont go into detail, but let's just say that when a marriage breaks down, it doesn't just affect the couple, and not even just the couple and their kids - it affects everyone around them.

In November, Hubby was diagnosed with cancer. That was a shock I truly wasn't expected. It's weird, when people ask me details about how he's going and the treatment, I can talk about it endlessly. But as soon as they say something emotional like "that's so sad" or "how are you feeling, you poor thing?" - it sets me off and I still struggle to hold back the tears.

This year has left me tired. But it's still been a Pretty Good Year.

This year I've loved more than I ever have before. And I think I've also cried more than I ever have. I've done a whole lot more navel-gazing than I have in the past - I thought I'd gotten over that introspective part of me that was so dominant during my late teens - but no, she's still here.

And all the things I wrote as a 16 year old this time, 10 years ago, still apply:

• I'm thankful for my Mum and Dad. I hope that when I'm a parent, my kids will understand that parents are just human - they're imperfect, and don't always say or do the right things - but they're always there for me and I'm so grateful for their love and support.
• My brother still drives me nuts. And prolly always will.
• I do feel more grown up. Does this keep happening every year?
• My friends are lovely people. However, I've come to realise not to expect the same from all of them. Some people are more "fair weather"-type friends, and I can't hold that against them. But those who have stuck by me and held my hand in both good times and bad are to be treasured.
• I have learnt a lot about myself. But I wont bore you with journeys of self-discovery and the like - that's just nauseating. lol

One thing I didn't have back in 1995 was a loving husband. (Actually, I hadn't even been kissed this time 10 years ago - now that's food for thought.)

To him I am most grateful. He loves every part of me and makes me feel accepted and secure in a way that no one else ever could. There's so much that he gives me that I never thought I'd be lucky enough to have in a marriage. I hope and pray that he'll be okay because I would be utterly lost without him and the world would lose an angel.

When the oncologist said that he'd have a 95% chance of survival, all I could think was that he'd have a 1 in 20 chance of dying - and I still can't get that out of my head. I don't know what happened to the eternal optimist that used to reside inside me, but she's just a little withered right now. Oh - I need hope.

But to you all, I wish you a Happy New Year.

May you and your families and friends be blessed with good fortune in 2006.

All the best.

With love,

Jezzy

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