I've spent most of the week at a conference in Melbourne. It was nice flying down there, presenting my resesarch, and exploring the city - except for the fact that I kept having to speak to hubby every couple of hours.
I missed him like hell.
It's funny, usually it's nice to have a couple of days apart - some "me" time. But I couldn't stand to be away from him knowing what he's still going through.
Last night, he said to me:
"Will the cancer come back when I'm 40? Maybe it'll be the thing that kills me."
How on earth do I answer that???
There are no guarantees in life.
Maybe it will come back - and that scares the shit out of me - I don't even want to think about the possibilities. Maybe we wont know until he goes for his yearly check up in 20 years time only to find that the cancer has metastasized and its too late. Maybe he'll be in that two percent that gets it in the other testicle.
I just DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
Life can be full of "what ifs" and "maybes" and it's going to drive me nuts if I live in fear.
Writing about it here helps because in this way, I'm able to get it out from swirling around inside my head and making me go insane and I can disseminate it around the world for all of you to read and have a think about.
Thanks for all of the support, btw, you guys are lovely.
I'm scared but I don't want to scare him, so I said "you'll be fine. You'll be regularly monitored and the chance of secondaries with testicular cancer is very rare." Which is true.
But then again, it's rare enough to get testicular cancer in the first place.
He got himself freaked out last night because he has a lot of hardness internally around the wound - it's scar tissue. It's not infected because he has no fever, and there is no heat, redness, puss or swelling at the wound site. But he still was freaking out about it, so I drove him to the hospital at midnight where he saw the triage nurse who told him the same thing - it's scar tissue. So today, I'm exhausted.
It's funny - he's not the type to get freaked out about anything, but now, things are different. He's scared. He keeps asking me if he'll die even though he knows they removed all the cancer. He freaks if anyone smokes around him and he wont carry his mobile phone in his pocket anymore.
But seriously, guys - check your balls. Girls - get the boys in your life to check themselves out. Hubby didn't have any pain or swelling - in retrospect, he said that the cancerous one was smaller and sat a little higher - but that was it! The lump he found was not the cancer - it was a cyst that luckily happened to be there.
Next week, he has a PET scan and an appointment with the radiation oncologist.
On another note - I had my second job interview yesterday with the company I had an interview with last week. They seemed to like me. I have two more interviews next week - with a potential collegue to see if I'll fit into the team, and with the HR people to do those behavioural tests. It's ridiculous really, the amount of interviews to get one job. It's looking good - they seem like a nice company and they offered me more money than I asked for - always a good sign!
The PhD is going well - I'm less wound up about it - but it still stressed me out.
It's strange - the final weeks of a PhD and going for job interviews is enought to stress out anyone.
But to combine all that with dealing with cancer and everything seem slightly surreal.
5 comments:
I wish I could say that you stop thinking about the cancer and life goes on but it doesn't. You do however stop thinking about it all the time. At first it was all I thought about and it was so scary! Now I just think about it once or twice a day. During those times I pray and petition God to let me keep her for awhile. I still get scared and it sure has made me grateful for every moment I have with her. It has also made me grateful for every moment I have as well. Cancer sure opened my eyes and made me thanful for every day. ( I hope this makes sense, I am really tired tonight!)
Oh maan, you've fully inspired me to start checking myself. It just makes me feel emotional reading this which is strange because i'm not usually so empathetic and I only know you on this blog.
Good luck :)
The big C is something that it would be so hard to be rational about. Your logical brain might think rationally about the very low risk yada yada, your heart is different.
Your heart is different, your heart can imagine the pain of losing someone, and it doesn't care for 'very low risk yada, yada'. Your heart cares that hubby is in the 98%
And I've got everything crossed for you that he is.
Jez, I'm sorry that so many things seem to be contributing to your stress right now. Just please know that you both will be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend, as always. Be good to yourself, and be strong. God Bless.
I like SC's thoughts on the matter.
You really have so much on your plate that you HAVE to be walking around numb, Jezzy. I think you are being a great reassuring wife, telling him what he needs to hear, while sharing your real fears here so you can unload and release. I know what with this kind of scare all you can think is, Thank you God because he's ok now and I'm so lucky to have him, but the reality is that he's lucky to have you too. You'll look out after him and be what he needs.
I check Alex's balls all the time. I know that sounds odd, but...LOL I really do. I'm the one who found the bumpy thing the first time that freaked us out, and when he saw a doctor we found out it was a nerve bundle that was just grouped oddly. Better to be safe than sorry. Testicular cancer is the most survivable cancer out there IF it is caught early. So, I'll continue to feel Alex's balls on a regular basis :)
In return, he feels my breasts for lumps too. Ain't love grand?
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