Hubby having cancer has completely changed me.
I'm now paranoid everytime he leaves the house. I think he's going to die. Not of the cancer, but just in a car crash or something.
Whenever he's not with me, I keep thinking of the many ways in which he could just be killed.
I get scenes from movies in which people are killed stuck in my head. I picture him being mutilated by something.
I need to get over this - it's utterly morbid.
Thing is, he's doing really well. He's being monitored now, but he's energy is back to normal. Apart from the radiation burn on his back, no one could even guess he's been undergoing cancer treatment.
But right now, I'm at home alone, attempting to work on my PhD thesis (which isn't easy after a full day's work), and all I can think is that I'll get a call from the hospital or police saying something has happened to him.
Cannot deal with this.
11 comments:
You know what you should do Jezzy?
Make the absolute most of your time together. No one's life is secure, and since your husband has been responding to treatment, you both pretty much have the same chance of living and dying.
I know you're not a Muslim, but in Islam we're taught that "every soul shall have a taste of death", and that everyone's death has already been written.
Therefore, and I guess you're probably already doing this, make the most of your time with this amazing individual, and don't spend it worrying about where he is and what could be happening to him. That's not healthy for either of you, and will probably make him stressed too.
After your PhD, take a break...come to London!
PS, I've just seen Sydney on Google Earth, and it's just the most beautiful city!
Hey Jezzy,
Good to hear your job is going well and your husband is feeling better :)
Maybe you are just facing your husband and your mortality? This kind of life event makes you put things in perspective.
I hope things continue to improve for him and that he as at optimal health soon.
Cancer is a bastard, it doesnt discriminate.
Stay strong :)
rC (Kirsty)
Well, actually I understand. After first what happened to your hubby, and then what happened to Valerie's hubby, I've been on edge. Then Alex became very unexplicably sick, and all I could think was, most women don't find their true love. You found him; now he's gonna die!
For the last two weeks, I have expected something awful to happen related to Alex. The doc STILL can't say for sure what's wrong with him. The test for mono came back negative, but he thinks it may be mono even though Alex already had that years ago. I know it can repeat, but the chances are slimmer than a first occurence by far. Leaving to drive back on Sunday night becomes unbearable because some part of my wild, worried filled mind imagines that was the last kiss I'll ever get.
However, I've managed to start to pull myself through it. I was never guaranteed by life to have a man so wonderful as him. Each moment I have? Well, that's a gift many women won't ever have. I trace his jawline with my fingertips; I inhale his scent. I taste his lips fully, and I savor every moment that is there so I have memories if something happens. Once I realized that I had taken Valerie's impassioned plea to heart--that we should just fully enjoy every day with our significant other for anything can happen all of the sudden so we lose him forever--I realized that IS, indeed, all I can do. Alex may very well die in a car crash right now, but I would know that I had told him I loved him enough...shared myself with him enough...and lived each moment with him with relish. What, truly, is there to regret then?
You GOT IT! Yay Kira!
Every single day with my man we showed each other and told each other we were loved.
Never skip one!
Take the joy you have available NOW jezzy and let tommorow take care of itself.
Worrying never fixed anything.
While he is gone, make a special dinner, draw him a card, write him a note, when he comes back, you have more to show him you were thinking of him and love him.
Believe me, girl, you will have plenty of time to regret what you don't do now later.
In the meantime, quit assuming the worst! Think how well he is looking, how much you hope his back heals quickly so you can rub it for him again and how much fun it will be to snuggle with him.
Keep your thoughts positive for him, they have power we don't understand.
Hang on girl and maybe this will all go away altogether....
If it doesn't you will have the comfort of knowing you smiled for him every chance you got.
Ah Jezzy, it's been an incredibly tough few months for you and hubby. It's not wonder you worry constantly that something might happen to him. You've already had one of those million to one chances happen, and it makes it that much harder.
I'd say enjoy every moment with him, but I'll also say, if it's affecting you every day, maybe you should go talk to someone to work through the feelings.
Glad to hear that things are on the up and up with the recovery.
Oh Jezzy, I'm sorry you both are going through this. I remember when I was engaged to be married to my husband and I went into the OBGYN for a full range of tests to make sure I was AOK. I was petrified that the doctor would find something wrong with me that would prevent me from marrying my husband. I just couldn't conceive of myself being so lucky and I kept thinking that something terrible was going to happen to one of us. My doctor told me that it was normal. I think it's wonderful that you love and appreciate your husband so much. This damned life seems so random at times and I know that I myself struggle for stability and guarantees. I'm so happy, I just don't want it to ever end, ya know? You keep doing what you're doing: Loving your husband and appreciating him for the precious gift that he is. Let it fill you up and push all of the fear right out of your mind, OK?
Hmm. I agree with what's said above, in large measure, but for one thing: as you pointed out in your post, you've been changed. You are no longer the person you were when you married, and you are no longer the person you were before The Big C visited your hubby. You may be able to shake those feelings of doom, or not, it's hard to say. I never have. I was changed at age 9, and I've lived with those fears ever since. I was asked just this past week why I live my life that way, wondering and worrying, and I suspect the answer is that once one has been blind-sided in such a massive way, the psyche will make valiant and desperate attempts at being a hella lot more alert and vigilant, watching and bracing onesself for The Next Big Thing. Trouble is, there's almost no way to predict and anticipate all the permutations, and so what ends up happening is that if something *does* happen, we get blind-sided again, only not by what we worried about, but by something so unexpected that we could not have imagined it. So, in the end, it's a futile excercise, and yet still I engage it, because it's my defense mechanism. Anyway, I hope things settle a little for you, at least enough to get your thesis written. Try to relax a little, try to take a zen approach, and let it all just wash over you. You can't fight the feelings, or rather, you can't banish them, but you don't have to let them control and own you, either. I wish you peace.
Fudge- I'd love to come to London. In fact, I'm planning on going there later on in the year.
rubberChicken - Yeah - it's all about growing up and facing these things. It's not easy. But I'm not the only one.
kira - what you wrote is lovely. Yeah, I do the inhale thing too. (God, I love the way his skin smells, I'm a junkie for that scent). I hope Alex is better soon.
Valerie - I'm taking you're advice. After all, it's very true. Being that way isn't helping anyone. x
ginchy - thanks - yeah - I think I use this blog as my venting mechanism and it works pretty well. I hope you're well, these are exciting times for you!
Jill - Okay. Yeah - I will. I know you've been through so much, it changes everything, doesn't it? I guess it's all about learning to not let the fear take control.
Me - yeah, I'm changed. I'm all grown up now. And I'm okay. x
He'll.
Be.
Fine.
Relax, m'dear, you're over-stressing - and stress can be just as dangerous as anything else out there.
SC - I hope things go well for your mother.
Dee - yup - as the python boys say "Always look on the bright side of life" *whistles*
Hi Jezzy - I'm back up and blogging at my old jadedprimadonna site... finally. =o) My mom recently had a cancer scare, which isn't officially one that won't result in some treatment soon. We're hoping they will make up their minds on this soon. I can't imagine how it would be if it were Brian. I admire your bravery, and I am hoping he only continues to get more energy so that life resumes to normal for you two.
Good luck with the thesis!
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