Gotta love the four day Easter long weekend. Why can't every weekend be this way, huh?
I'm going to stop apologising about the lack of updates and just say that once the PhD is over (and I'm not at work full time during the day and tearing my hair out over my thesis in the evenings) I'll become a regular blogger again.
Anyway, earlier today I went to a wedding ceremony.
I'd never met the bride and groom before. It was for some guy that Hubby used to work with. It was weird, because usually it's for someone I at least know, but in this situation, all I knew about the couple was that they'd been living together for seven years and had to get married because the bride was four months pregnant.
Anyway, I guess not knowing anyone allowed me to observe the situation as an outsider.
It's funny, there's so much effort put into weddings. They're just one day in a couple's life, but we make such a huge deal out of it. We even make a huge deal out of it when the couple have already been living together and own property together and have kids together. I mean, obviously in those situations, it begs the questions - why bother getting married?
These days it seems perfectly acceptable to live with someone without pledging eternity and exclusiveness to them in the eyes of God. (Okay - it's not acceptable for everyone - certainly not for me - I'm a practicing Catholic and have an Asian background - my parents would kill me if I shacked up with some bloke who didn't want to marry me! lol. Actually, I could go on about this particular topic, because I wouldn't want to live with some guy I wasn't married to anyway - I think it's a situation that favours the man - and women think they're being independent, but they just end up getting hurt and used. It happens all too often where women live with different men for years of their lives, and none want to make a real commitment to them - because really, the men don't have to. They're getting sex on tap, they're reaping the benefits of having a woman around the house. Why bother with the realities of a real wife when you can have a play one who you can bail on and leave when things don't seem to be working? But I digress.)
There's still such an emphasis put on marriage even for those who have no cultural or religious reasons to believe in it. It is special because when two people get married, their relationship isn't just about *them* anymore, it becomes bigger than that - they, as a couple, exist as a single unit in the community. It's a powerful social bond. And that's why when two people who have just been living together break up, it doesn't have the same devastating ripple-effect to everyone around them as a marriage does when it falls apart. Two people can get away with existing in a vacuum in their relationship, but a marriage can't.
That's why it's often easier to not get married. It's easier to do as one pleases and not involve too many people. To not bring the family into it, to say that it's archaic, to say that's it's just a piece of paper and not relevant. But that's a load of crap. Marriage is hard work - and when both partners don't put in a lot of effort to constantly maintain it, it can become a trap or a crumpling mansion - it can be so empty and hostile and leave people feelings desperate and lonely. When it doesn't work out and has to end, it's awful and tragic and effects so, so many people.
But when it does work, it's one of the most powerful bonds on earth. Because a man and a woman, when united, can hold a fort against anything. They can fully surrender to each other - which is something we so long to do. They can act as a crutch when the other is down - and the other will know that they will always have someone there for them. They are friends and lovers, but also family. They share laughs, pain, sadness, joy and love. And, eventually, when one goes, the other will live on within them - and that's because they are made to be one. That to me, is incredibly powerful.
And so a good marriage will never stop being something that people aspire to. No matter what else happens - I think most people believe that it's possible to make it work.
The other point, that I think I've written here before, is that it's not about meeting someone who's Mr or Ms Perfect. It's not about finding someone who is and has everything. It's about finding Mr or Ms Right - who is probably far from perfect.
And it's not about loving someone despite their flaws. It's about loving someone, and loving their flaws, and loving everything about them. And even when they make you mad, even when you argue, even when it's feels like it would be easier to walk away - marriage is not about giving up. (Note: but that last part only works when both parties are committed to contantly work on things.)
Anyway, we're off to the reception now. And we don't know anyone! But I'm sure it'll be fun.
And I wish them well in their marriage - it's very cool when two people become a family.
6 comments:
Very good post. Very true.
I'm glad you're squeezing a little recreation in between working and writing your dissertation. Best of luck to you!
This blog is so true.
Snaps to it all, especially the cohabitation stuff.
I read in some newspaper a few years back that cohabiting couples wanted to have legal rights similar to married couples, to ensure that the couple who may have lived together for a long time, have their possessions legally protected.
Good on them, I say go for it.
At the end of the day, as far as I'm concerned, that little scrap of legal paper will be exactly the same as marriage.
Except without the added advantage of cake and a nice dress.
Awww - thanks Laurita.
Fudge - yes, in some situations that can be very important.
...why can't every weekend be like this, indeed? How did we end up with this arbitrary five-on two-off day structure?
Isn't Western society productive enough that we can tone it down a bit?
Better still, can't we have shops and offices open every day and just employ more people? Have people work three or four days out of seven, or more if they elect to do so?
Can you imagine the efficiency of being able to shop (and study and all those other things) just as easily on a Saturday or Sunday as you could during the week? Bliss!
Sunday is still a religious "holiday" and should be abolished. As should all public holidays, and be replaced with a three- or four-day working week. When people are able to work for society or community, without the need to generate an income for personal survival, we'll be able to rethink the entire structure of our "working" lives and contribute to those projects we are genuinely interested in. Nothing increases productivity like passion for your occupation.
Well, I believe in marriage. That's why when marriage counseling and a billion other attempts to save my marriage crushed me when I realized that there was no alternative but to walk (yes, I'm Catholic too, so that divorce thing is supposed to NEVER happen). It seems to me that it always works out as long as both parties are willing to sincerely not take the other for granted and work on the issues of the marriage. The marriage collapses when one of the couple (or both) either take the other for granted or put something on a higher priority than the marriage.
I still believe in marriage, though. That's why I'm very much looking forward to my own wedding day with Alex in June of 2007 :) At last I have someone in my life who won't ever give up and who really takes it seriously.
Dee - actually, I'm an advocate for sleepy Sundays. I like the old-fashioned concept of having a day of rest where everything slows down and people spend time with their family - having picnics and playing ball games and shit like that. It's sweet. But I would totally love to work a four day week. Even a four and a half one wouldn't be too bad - half-day Fridays, I say.
Kira - Yes - *both* people have to put in the effort - and it's hard enough when both people *do* that, when one doesn't it goes belly-up. June next year, eh? That's very, very exciting. x
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