Sad

So after doing that "gratitude post" I found I had much to rant about. So much for gratitude!

It's not like I'm *not* thankful for what I have, I am. I'm really thankful. I'm lucky. I have good things in life. I have a good life. I like being me. Happy, happy, joy, joy.

But things suck too.

I just feel like I'm being too selfish or self-focused if I rant about it, because really, whenever I think about the things that upset me, I also think "Get a grip, Jez!" I don't want to be one of those irritating people who crap on about their problems when they don't really have any *real* problems.

But anyway, there's things that *do* suck for me right now. And I don't wanna talk about them in detail here (as you maybe have gathered - I'm a fairly guarded person). It's just that a few things happened all around the same on Thursday and it triggered me off into having a really down, weepy day that's had a hangover effect which is still with me.

First of all I have the standard work rant.

I'm sure you all have someone like this at work, but basically, there's this girl who's both bubbly and super-friendly (= fake as plastic boobs) and also extremely competitive. Bad combination.

On Thursday, she decided to claim credit for something I did.

It's just never happened to me before (I'm not used to teamwork, I'm used to working on my own project, by myself) and now I understand why it makes some people so upset about work. It just made me furious!

Our manager was away recently and during that period, there was a change to how we're supposed to do something (yes, I know - it's vague but I'm not writing work details here!). So I went about figuring the whole thing out and explaining the new process to the others. Anyway, I got to work on Thursday (when our manager returned) and the colleague had printed out all these things I'd made and decided to call a meeting for our team to tell the manager about the changes we'd had to implement while she was away. It was me who did the work to figure it all out yet there she was going on about it like she came up with it herself with no acknowledgement to anything that I did! Grrrr!!!!!

And then (actually this happened during the meeting), I managed to break my necklace. It's a 22karat gold chain with my name on it (no, my name's not Jezzy!). My grandmother had it made for me about 20 years ago and I managed to snap it down the middle. I know some of you understand how horrible it is to break something with sentimental value. Although it can be fixed because it's gold, because of where the break is, it's never going to look right again. Sad.

But then what really, really got to me were messages I got from two people whom I thought I really mattered to (yup - that is crappy English, I know).

I realised that I really *don't* matter that much to them anymore.
Not as much as I thought I did.
That sucked in a very painful way because I'm not that close to many people.

But it reminded me of a post Jadedprimadonna made recently saying that:

"If you are important to someone, they will treat you like you are important to them. If they treat you like you aren't important to them, then YOU AREN'T important to them. But if you aren't, so what? Lol. It's really not that complicated. Be important to yourself. Then, you won't worry about what anyone else is thinking or doing. If you are important to yourself, you'll seek out people who will treat you fairly and kindly, who will not tell you lies, who will not purposefully say or do things to make you hurt, who will be there for you when you're sad, who will be there for you when you're happy... people who will be good to you. Those are the people you want in your reality. Forget the others because they suck. I guess what I'm saying is that if someone else is bringing you down, it's probably your fault for letting them. So, don't let them. Be good to yourself and refuse to accept that from another person. We are all born with an inner voice that tells us when it's time to move on and stop caring about people who don't care about us. It's just that we let ourselves deny that we hear that voice sometimes."

It's a wise thing to keep in mind. And it's liberating to think in such a way but it's hard to remember to think like that.

Actually, I went back and re-read a whole lot of emails and posts and things I'd been writing recently and realised that I use "I" and "me" way too much. Maybe I *am* really selfish. Or maybe I'm no more selfish than anyone else. But I need to keep telling myself that I am not the centre of anyone's life except mine. If people do things that hurt me, most of the time they're not doing it on purpose. They're just not putting me first or worrying in great detail about how I'd react to something. And why should they?

I mean seriously, for most people, they understand that things change and people move on.
But I'm not good at the moving on part.
I'm not good at knowing when to stop caring or feeling or hurting.

I just really need to develop the ability to recognise who is there for me right now and not keep wishing I still had people who *used* to be there for me and wonder why they don't want to be there for me anymore and wondering what they think of me and what I did wrong and shit like that.

It's just hard.

You know, in the last year, I've lost more close friends than I've gained. Is this just a factor of people growing apart and changing and moving on? Or is there something seriously wrong with me??

Anyway, sorry about the vagueness of it all.

But there it is - a vague rant with no real details about my life which makes me cry sometimes even though I really am grateful.