Happy? Yup.

I had a really busy day at work doing very mindless things. I guess when I have days like that I find that I start thinking about all sorts of things.

One of those thoughts is that I'm only starting to realise now how much I've been through.

I was having all these flashbacks of the rollercoaster of emotions I've experienced over the past year or so.

So much happened.

I still feel sick when I think about that feeling of shock/dread/horror when Hubby was diagnosed with cancer. And then there was the operation and how devastating it was when he had to have the testicle removed.

And then we were told we might not be able to have kids. And at the same time I was really very, very down because PhD scholarship ran out while I was in a complete writer's block trying to get through the hardest ever part of my thesis - plus I felt so alone about that - no one but another person with a PhD understands how awful it feels to be almost there but really not there at all - it's very isolating and depressing.

And at the same time, I was going for job interviews and feeling awful about removing half of what I've done from my resume so I wouldn't be overqualified for the positions I was after and also feeling stupid for not being able to get through the PhD before taking up a full-time job and also feeling annoyed for taking a job which I didn't need a PhD to do.

And then I was attending the divorce court proceeding with my Aunt. I have to say that the Family Court was one of the most horrible places I've ever been to - and divorce proceedings are horrible and nasty and extremely stressful and affect so many more people than just the immediate family - so many more.

And then Hubby had to go through radiation therapy and he was so, so very sick and slept or vomited all the time.

I was devastated. All that stuff happened at pretty much the same time.

But you see, the thing that suprises me now was that I was actually okay.

Don't get me wrong, I cried a lot - all the time. I was really, very upset. Yes - devastated. And very, very stressed.

But I wasn't ever unhappy about my life.

It's seems like a strange concept, but it is possible to be utterly upset about the things that happen and be content and even happy about life.

Even though everything I went through was awful, I never plunged so deep off the edge that I lost all perspective. Because everything is relative.

Yes, my husband was diagnosed with cancer. But I was also inspired by him - by the way he coped, by the way he pulled everyone together, by his positive nature and ability to always see the good side of things. By the way he said that people should support me too, not just him, and by the way he gave me so much love even though he was going through so much. By the way he said it was all a learning experience. I already knew, but it helped me see clearly just how special and amazing he is. And it made me feel lucky that he had chosen me to be his wife.

Yes, I struggled with the PhD, but geez, how many people are given the opportunity to do a PhD without having to worry about finances? It's really quite an indulgence even though it's a difficult thing to do. It's been very, very difficult, but I've learnt so much and I've had many great opportunities come my way because of it. It's not over quite yet, but it's been a good challenge.

Yes, I'm not that happy with my job. But I don't hate it. And my colleagues are actually nice people. Even though I get annoyed sometimes. And it's not forever. And it pays well. And I've learnt a lot over the last few months there.

Yes, going through that divorce with my Aunt and cousins was horrible. But it's healing. And I'm closer to them. And it was very messy but it'll be okay. Someday.

Whatever shit happens, things work out.

Somehow.

As low and as bad and as bleak as things get, at least there's always something to be thankful for - even if it's just for the opportunity to have been something, have done something, have felt something - at some point.