I know the subject heading sounds like some pathetic line from Dr Phil but just hear me out!
That line - it's not about being up yourself, it's not about thinking you're so great that you deserve more than anyone else. That's not it.
It's about a lack of balance. And it's about how horrible it feels when you're giving and giving and not getting anything back.
Not that you only give in order to get, that's not it either.
What I'm talking about is those toxic relationships.
The ones where the other person leeches everything from you and gains enough power over you to turn you into a shadow of your former self.
It can be a relationship with anyone - your partner, your lover, your best friend, your workmate, your boss, your sibling, your child, your mother - anyone. It doesn't matter. The same thing always happens.
You give and give and invest so much of yourself into the relationship and it's almost like you have to do it. You're compelled to suffer for it. You even think you're gaining some sort of reward for your suffering. Poor pathetic you and all the crap you're dealing with. You must be some sort of saint.
You'll pour everything into a sieve just because you don't know what else to do. It's a type of desperation. You're burning up inside. Aching for it. You think that if only you persist, if only you keep at it, it's all going to work out. There's enough good in it to justify all the bad.
You're hanging in there, wanting, needing, turning yourself into a Gollum-type figure with your intense cravings to make it all better.
But there's no balance in it. While you're crazily trying to make it work, the other person quite obviously doesn't give a shit.
Maybe it's a matter of stepping back and just thinking rationally about the amount of time and heart you're investing and the amount that they're investing and figuring out that it just don't add up in any way that could justify your behaviour.
So then, you need to make the decision to step back. Switch off. Stop pushing for something that's not going to happen. Say to yourself "I do not need this shit. I deserve better."
Stop throwing gold down a well.
Just wishing never helped anyone.
6 comments:
"You'll pour everything into a sieve".. YES!!!!
Gosh, this post took me back. Then it's like the other person actually does something but it doesn't seem to be enough, always too little too late.
"Poor pathetic you and all the crap you're dealing with. You must be some sort of saint."
I have to admit to feeling like this. I went through a total wallowing in my own self-pity stage. Thinking back, it's embarrassing and when I spoke to her again recently after a lot of time and history had elapsed I was amazed at how pathetic I really was that I actually got along so well and wanted so much from this DIFFERENT person I was talking to.
I guess you grow from it though as corny and reality-tv-show-final-episode it sounds.
Yes - too little too late. And you're right, it is embarrasing behaviour. People change, we change, half the time you really don't know someone, and other times you don't really want them. You just want the idea of them. Or some other cliche. lol
People suck by default. For me, personally, only the ones who are worth the effort... get the effort. This includes family, but by virtue of the fact that one has known then pretty much one's entire life, their motivations are a little easier to understand... I suppose the effect is that of a smidgen more flexibility.
Having said that, there are family members who score highly my personal apathy scale. Particularly after Christmas, New Years and Easter most recent.
This tends to be of concern to people, but I don't see why I should have to endure grief and misery forced on me by someone, simply because they swing from the same family tree.
*shrug*
That's my $0.022 (GST inclusive)
What Amanda said. For me, it's hardest for me to push people away I think "need me." Sigh. I always manage, but usually I'm aware that the relationship is toxic for quite some time before I use the escape pod. It's like I think if I wish hard enough and bleed some more, maybe I can make it all better! But I can't. Nowadays, I seem to be at a point wherein nobody is draining me that way...not family, not Alex, not my friends...it's lovely being at a place like that. It enables one to do so much more in life because one is not giving all he or she has to somebody ELSE!
I have BTDT too many times. I am cautious about the people I am choosing to meet because of my experience with Totally Toxic Humans in my past.
So it's a learning experience.
And hey, I can have a pity party anytime right now, can't I?
Oh, that's right, I have been! LOL.
Well for crying out loud, ladies, sometimes we have to indulge ourselves in our times of hurt. It's ok and normal to feel sorry for yourself when you have been hurt. The trick is to get past it.
The trick is to get past it.
Uh.......
Crap. I have to get past this sometime soon.
Crap.
Valerie's got a point - when you do break away, it's okay for you can feel sorry for yourself and little bit, but then it's time to get past it. But you have to get out of those situations as soon as you realize you're in one. (And it really can sneak up on you before you know it.)
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