I was having a conversation with a work colleague yesterday. She's
someone I don't usually work with and I've never spoken much to her,
but we were in a situation where we were stuck together for a whole
day in a small room - and it's times like those where we really get
to know another person.
So she was ranting to me about her upcoming wedding and all of the
associated stress and her crazy in-laws and all the drama and yeah, I
relate. I was one of the most low-key brides you'll ever meet, but
that still didn't stop people around me from going insane when I was
getting married.
But that's another story.
So anyway, she was talking about her stress and it got me talking
about *my* stress. It's funny, because even though I might rant here
about various things, it's really, really rare for me to actually
speak to another person about what I feel. So talking about all the
stuff I've gone through in the last 12 months to someone I barely knew
almost made me lose it and I was thinking "don't cry in front of a
co-worker, you silly girl!". (Incidently, I've cried three times in
public this year. This is *not* me! I never cry in public).
I don't know how I got onto the topic but I think it was talking about
the anti-climax of submitting my PhD thesis. She was telling me that
I'll probably feel really proud of myself one it's accepted as she did
with her Masters, but I told her that it's been such a long time since
I've felt those type of feelings. I'm just so "whatever" these days.
Just all flat and bleh. Then I went on to tell her about everything
that I've been through in the last 12 months and that the PhD, which
was supposed to be this huge achievement, just doesn't matter that
much anymore in context with everything else.
So right now, what I'm really worried about is money because our
finances will soon be unbearably tight and not quite sorted out and I
keep finding bank mistakes and it's shitting me so much and more
dramas happened yesterday and it made me start crying because
money-related stress can be unbearable, and I now have a new found
sympathy for people who are in those situations full-time.
But... what I'm *really* and truly fearful about is that it's almost a
year since Hubby was diagnosed with cancer and I keep thinking it's
going to come back and I know that this fear is one that's not just
going to go away. It's not one that can get better if, say, I win the
lottery. It's one that I can't do anything about.
It's strange that I should ever feel so scared about being in love.
I'd have never dreamt to feel this way this time last year. It's such
a fragile feeling - to love someone so much yet be so very aware that
you can lose them at any moment. It's so scary because he just
deserves this amazing life.
I'm the one who used to be always so positive about things and the one
who always tried to make his life joyful, but now I'm the one who is
constantly stressed and worried and it's not fair on him because even
though I can't help being the way I am at the moment, it's inevitably
dragging him down and I don't want to be the one bringing darkness
into his world of sweetness and light.
I just wish I could be more like him - thinking that he's the luckiest
person alive even though so much crap has happened to him. I feel so
very selfish because his whole life has been full of so much more crap
and trauma than what I've been through. I've lived this charmed life
and as soon as a few things go wrong, I completely lose the plot.
I just feel tired and worn out and, for the first time, older than my age.
And there's this constant voice in my head whispering "you've lost your spark".
But as an aside, my brother, the philosophy student, tells me that
he's been studying arguments and that he's an expert in picking apart
a person's rants and telling them all about the validity of their
arguments and opinions. It would be interesting to post him my entire
blog and asking him what he thinks about all the crap I write!
Oh - another aside. My sister-in-law rang from the UK to say that not
only her has PhD been accepted, her boyfriend has proposed to her. Now
I don't like my sister-in-law very much (long story) and I'll probably
come across as a total bitch here, but I am going to admit to
resenting the $150 that my Hubby spent sending flowers and a gift to
her when she'd never do the same for him. Yeah, I know, I'm such a
selfish person, and I hate that I'm like this, and I hate more that he
knows I'm like this but still loves me and still tells me I'm perfect
when it's so very clear that I'm not! When it's clear that I worry too
much, that I'm sad all the time, and that I'm not the carefree, happy
girl he married. He still loves me so much and I really can't think
why.
Anyway, I actually had a good weekend, despite how I'm feeling on the
inside. Went to a friend's house for dinner on Friday night and
another friend's place for dinner on Saturday night. Spent the days
just doing stuff.
Hubby's booked himself in for an abdominal CT scan and chest X ray for
his one year follow up with the oncologist in a few weeks.
Meanwhile, I am trying hard to work out how to control my superpower.
I'm a little inexperienced, but I'll work out how to use it. It's a
pretty good superpower which allows me to change the outcome of things
and fix all the problems in my life and make things all work out with
the crap that always seems to be happening to friends and family these
days...pretty cool, hey?
What's your latent superpower?
10 comments:
As a founding member of the Supertards, I discovered my superpower was being able to drink my body weight in alcahol and still live to tell the tale.
Pretty amazing.
Anyhoo, I think your reaction to stress is totally normal.
I do this thing where i appear to be ok during stressful times. I do what i have to do, to get through it.
Once I'm out the other side, i collapse in a heap! It's like once a little bit of pressure is removed, my energy goes with it, and i'm no fucking use for anything.
You've had so much to contend with, i think to an extent your body kind of gets used to the stress level, then when things are a little easier, like with your husband, although the fear is still there, that intense stress isn't as bad, and your body reacts by breaking down a little. Hence the tears.
You are an amazingly strong woman. Be gentle with yourself. You are allowed to have fears and feel scared. You're only human.
OK, so I was lurking over at Steph's, and I saw a comment of yours and followed your profile over here. So, you say a couple of things:
(Incidently, I've cried three times in public this year. This is *not* me! I never cry in public).
and
I'm the one who is constantly stressed and worried,
and
I just feel tired and worn out,
and you've lost your spark,
and, finally,
I worry too much, that I'm sad all the time, and that I'm not the carefree, happy
girl he married. He still loves me so much and I really can't think why.
To recap, you're saying you've had lower energy, more anxiety, a change in your ability to have fun (though you did have a good weekend), and are more self-critical, all over the last year. Erm, these are all signs of depression. Sounds like you've had a stressful time, with a lot going on, but life stress can increase the risk of depression. When people are going through a lot, they often explain away what they're feeling precisely because of their stressful circumstances, when, from another perspective, they might have developed an illness. Anyway, couldn't hurt to get it checked out - maybe see a psychiatrist who could talk to you carefully and make a diagnosis or give you a clean bill of health. To say nothing of how stressful a PhD program is - I have had no shortage of grad students in my practice....
BIG DISCLAIMER: I've never met you or even read your archives and am likely totally wrong. But you said a lot in a short space that could be taken a certain way.
My latent superpower, BTW, is diagnosing and treating to remission all mental illness in the world through my laptop - how'm I doing? ;-)
Dr. Pshrink
My latent superpower is to be able to clone myself so I can actually be in three places at once.
I think your current feelings are a pretty normal reaction to an incredibly stressful year.
And Mr Jezzy married all of you, not just the happy-go-lucky bits. I'm sure that he'd not have come through his cancer nearly so well if you weren't around to support him through it.
My superpower is that I'm psychic. Well, at least I pretend I am. Don't shake up my faith in me :)
Women need to release their anxieties and stress or they eat away at them. Perhaps this talk with this woman you are not close to is the start of some of that release. That'd be cool because then you'd start to feel better.
It's been a rough year, and I keep waiting for those feelings to pass for you. However, sometimes it just takes longer to really feel "ok" again. See if that checkup of your hubby's provides some relief for you. I hope so! Sooner or later, the yayness will come back. Your hubby knows this too, and that's why he still thinks you're perfect (because he loves your grumpies AND your yayness).
My patented superpower is my creepy vibe that makes most mortals hate me upon first contact. I'm still trying to figure out how to cash in on that one. "Give me a dollar, or I'll touch you" hasn't netted me much.
I'm guessing Jo's comment is already helping quite a bit.
You have every right to feel like this because too many things happened to you all at once. So, just deal with those feelings and feel okay that you are needing to. It's totally normally after some of the things that have happened to you.
You're going to be great Jezzy...give it some time, and yeah - talk to a doctor.
Maybe get some prozac to make you peppy again. Alternatively, concentrate your energies on some sort of exercise - releasing endorphins and happy hormones - you're a pharmacist, you probably know this stuff.
I remember a time when I was really down and exercising sweating made me feel like I'd achieved something at the end of each day, which made me feel a lot better! Plus I lost weight, which always cheers me up!
Chin up, chuck. See the light at the end of what has been a very long tunnel for you!
It was really difficult for me to learn how to step out of a crisis and look at the big picture to finally understand that my life ebbs and flows through phases. Some are really difficult. Others are devastating. But then there are also some that are wonderfully glorious. Your spark will come back. It's who you are, Jezzy Girl.
Steph - "your body reacts by breaking down a little. Hence the tears." - yup - that's *exactly* what it feels like.
Anon - dearest anon, I don't mind you judging me and jumping to conclusions about me, after all, that's what people do - that's what all my readers do. I don't even mind you giving your own online diagnosis without meeting me or being able to put my thoughts into context, but seriously, don't post anonymously! At least use a pseudonym! Anonymous posting is such a cop-out!
Ginchy - three places at once? Well, you're a mother - you have superpowers just by being a mother, don't you? And your baby is the cutest. I downloaded the rolling video to our desktop and had it playing over and over. Me so clucky! So glad I got to meet her. And see you!
Joey!!!!! - it's great that you're online again! I was thinking - we have missed an absolute chunk of each other's lives over the last 1.5 years. Gonna miss you at the reunion this Sat. :-(
Kira - he loves my grumpies and my yayness. I told him that. lol
Grant - honey, you *are* so very creepy. You must harness your powers and allow them to grow.
JPD - Yeah, I know and thanks. x
Fudge - man, I have access to prescription drugs, why aren't I self-prescribing myself some good stuff?
Jill - Thanks babe. I think it's been the hardest lesson for me - learning to deal with the ebbs and flows and knowing I don't always have control. I guess it's an important lesson to learn.
Thanks, Lulu. x
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