When I was three I started pre-school.
Mum was eager to hear from my teachers. She thought I was smart. I could write my name, count, write my alphabet, and I loved books.
But her first feedback from the teaching staff wasn't positive.
She was told that I didn't make friends easily, was very clingy to one other child, and didn't say much.
And I haven't changed much.
I still don't make friends easily. That's not to say that I don't have friends and don't make friends. But I'm not great, for example, in making myself known in the work environment. I'm slow to warm to others and I'm not great with small talk. I don't fit easily into groups, I'm not a natural team player and people don't come to me for advice. I'm nice enough and I think I'm liked, but I'm too quiet to really be noticed.
It's so strange to think that no matter how much I achieve, how confident and together I can pretend to be, how much I grow and change - I'm still that quiet, shy three-year-old.
And I still love books.
We often look back on our lives and marvel at how much we've changed and developed.
But do you ever look back and see just how much you *haven't* changed?
(As an aside, I didn't last long in pre-school. Shortly after the above, we moved from England to Australia and I stayed at home until I started Kindy. And every year until I finished high school, my report card said "Quiet and diligent. Needs to speak up more." And then I joined the corporate world and my performance review last December pretty much said the same thing. *sigh*)
8 comments:
Great post. I probably haven't changed much either, but I'll take the good with the bad. As Popeye said, "I yam what I yam".
I have changed in some ways, but not in most ways. I was thought of as shy and a loner all the way up until 5th grade. Long story. But then I ripped free, and now...well, you can't shut me up in any situation, I'm not shy, and I find it easy to make friends. I like to describe myself as the most introverted extrovert you'll ever meet. But the rest of me is the same. I have similar interests, a similar ethical code, a similar world philosophy, and a similar priority list. About the only other thing that changed for me that I can remember is...well, I didn't want kids all the way up until about 26 yrs of age. Then suddenly I did. Now I have two and am contemplating a third with Alex. I never could have predicted that one.
I think I'm much the same. You can put on the bravado face, but essentially, I'd prefer to have my head stuck in a book!
You've inspired my post for today!
...'tis a good question. I'm pretty much defined by the backlash against the horrible social experiences of my childhood and adolescence. To this day, I still don't understand why teachers (et al) are instructed to counter the natural (non-harmful) behavioural instincts of the young in their care. It seems that undermining a child's sense of self - instead of encouraging it - is a cruel prank to play on a developing ego, no?
Forcing a usually-withdrawn child into uncomfortable social situations is cruel beyond measure, especially when the company they're expected to keep is equally cruel, as kids are wont to be. My teachers did that to me for twelve years at two different schools... and my entire personality shifted, quite forcefully, into a postition where I struggled to maintain the balance between my desire for solitude (which might be genetic - my father and grandfather also shared this trait) and some mandated need to socialise with "people" from whom I was wired a bit differently. At last count, the term "people" has included everyone except my closest friends and a handful of family members (but even then, the wiring is still pretty dissimilar).
My high-school clique was comprised of all those people who found themselves on the outer edge of all the other cliques. It always struck me as... fractal... that within a group of outsiders, you can have more outsiders, ad infinitum.
This is all probably the origin of my penchant for shy, quiet, isolated, lonely and possibly damaged types, factual or fictional: a person with an openly honest (or unrepressable) edge of (un?)intentional social distance is far more interesting that any "well-adjusted" denizen of the world... and in my experience, they're usually worth the effort it takes to get to know them (which isn't meant to imply any sort of ironic need to relate to other eccentrics... but probably does... ho hum).
Anyway, regardless of the external influences, I've made peace with my own... eccentricities... and now I'm just waiting for everyone else to do the same (heehee!) - so I guess, in that way, I'm basically the same person from 5/10/15/20 years ago (some people don't ever change; they just find new and more convincing ways of describing their infinitely graduated shades of grey :oP).
God, all that really has nothing to do with your post, does it?
*sigh*
I never seem to stay on-topic.
I am right there with you! I know I haven't changed much and those things that have are up for debate as good or bad. I don't think our personalities really change but we acquire skills to survive in the world. :-)
I go through phases, but they always seem to be the same phases. I can look back on things I did when I was in kindergarten and see how they ressemble me now. But then, I know there were times when I wasn't as extroverted or even as introverted. I think it all goes back to the nature vs. nurture debate... and some of it clearly does seem to be innate.
Good, introspective post Jezzy. :)
I think we all carry some of that little kid with us, and in unfamilliar enviroments we find we revert to it. I have a report card from grade five, saying "general boy is constantly disruptive, and seems to want to play 'deputy teacher'. Truth was, I spotted her ineptitude and wanted to expose it to everyone else, to show that she didn't deserve to be standing there. I did the same thing just last week.
I relate to the non-team player aspect too, but that's more an A-type trait ( can't delegate, no-one else will do the job properly, yada yada ) and common in self starters like you.
Funny though, no-one spots these traits and nurtures them when we are young - instead we are forced into tediuos excercises in group participation. I think the education system really holds a lot of kids back in that way.
Good to see it didn't stop you. :)
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