there) I'm sure they don't envy me either.
Life is nice and free as a single girl, but it can be lonely - and a
little scary as time goes by and there's no decent men and you're not
getting any younger or prettier...
Life is also nice as a married girl, but it can be frustrating. It's
the nesting years - they are joyful - but also scary.
We're doing some tricky nesting in these years before the "having
kids/body clock ticking"-thing sets in. We've mortgaged ourselves up
to to eyeballs so that we can live somewhere pretty and buy
investments for the future. And while things are really financially
tight for us right now, I know it'll all be okay in a year or two.
But the other thing causing financial stress is Hubby's desire to quit
his job and start his own business in partnership with a friend.
While I have every reason to trust his capabilities, it comes at a
time where financial stability is paramount for us - we can't afford
even a small drop in earnings.
He's trying to do it the safe way - he'll work at it evenings and
weekends and not quit his job until the income coming from the new
business is stable - but it's not going to be easy in the first year
at all - and it'll really test our relationship.
I'm glad that he's in a partnership because the other guy is a good
businessman and they work well together, but it's very, very stressful
to think about the leap from him being an employee earning a good
salary, to being out there, supporting himself.
I just hate that feeling.
I like my regular paycheck.
We all crave stability in our lives. We hate feeling unsure about
things like money, shelter, food, health, safety.
While I know money can't buy happiness, a good extra $20,000 in the
bank will make me very happy indeed because without the money stress,
I'd be fine about Hubby doing his thing and I won't be worrying about
paying bills and balance transfers and wanting to live life a bit more
spontanaeously again instead of always saying things like "we can't go
to the movies, we've already been out once this month."
I don't want to be rich. Rich people do not impress me at all.
I just want a money buffer - just enough to meet our needs plus a bit
more, just in case - so that I can go back to my no-worries lifestyle.
Anyway, back to my comparison with my single friends.
While the single girls can wail endlessly about boys and the lack of
decent men etc, the rantings of a married woman about bills and
finances are decidedly boring.
People like hearing about relationships. Love, the ins and outs of
things (as it were), the oh-so endless despair of rejection (woe is
me), and musings about what he really wants and what he really means
when he says such-and-such.
People don't really enjoy hearing about money, property, finances. Or
even politics, religion or any other grown-up topic. It's just not
thrilling.
Do women hit a period in our lives where we can no longer talk about
anything interesting anymore?
Where people say "What did you do on the weekend?" and all you can say
is "I worked an extra shift at the pharmacy, put some manure around
the camellias, went for a nice walk at the beach, watched a bit of TV
and went to church" instead of "OMG, I had such a gr8 time - I met
this guy and he was teh hotness!!!1 Then I woz so drunk I fell ova and
spewed in my hair - w00t - soooo funyy?!"
But I don't want that either.
I was talking to a friend about how these are also the "becoming
invisible" years, where going out is actually becoming scary. You look
around and the room is full of girls who are younger, thinner,
prettier, less bitter, more bouncy.
Those are the girls who are noticed - not us.
We used to be those girls.
I don't want those years back, but I also don't like the thought that
life will never be as easy as it was back then. And that I didn't
appreciate just how good I had it. I know things have to get tough to
reap rewards - building isn't supposed to be easy - but I don't want
these worries.
I don't want the high life, the parties, any of it. I don't want to be
rich beyond my dreams. I don't want spectacular, spectacular. But I
don't want this sort of stressful drama either.
Right now, I crave stillness in my life.
Quiet joy.
Is that too much to ask?
11 comments:
Jezzy, you don't know what you want and you fear the unknown too much.
I haven't had a regular paycheck in over 15 years and I enjoy a modicum of instability. so if hubby is happy to take the plunge and become self-employed then support him.
A safe predictable life is no life at all.
I had dinner last night with a friend who was leaving Adelaide to live in Melbourne. He quit his job 6 months ago, sold his house and is going over to Melbourne to live in a more cultured, exciting city. He knows he'll find a job, he knows it'll all work out, he's optimistic about his future...yet nothing is confirmed.
People who take educated risks live better lives.
I dunno, TPS, there's a lot of unknown to fear out there. I think caution is justifiable - what's wrong with approach the world on your own terms (wherever possible)?
The only upheavals I want in my life are the ones I consciously create for myself, yanno, like getting a new job or moving to London for a year. Sure, that level of control over life isn't guaranteed, but it's worth the effort.
And what constitutes a "better" life anyway. Who is anyone to judge?
I'm all for quiet joy and stillness. I don't function well under the other kind of existence.
And jezzy, I don't find all those things boring and unthrilling (finances, politics, religion). But just wait until the most thrilling conversation you are capable of is 'OMG, she slept through for like 5 hours...or...'we've only had three poos today'. Then conversations about finances are positively bohemian!
From personal experience - the quiet life is too much to ask. Frankly, it's the world.
But I'd rather have a bit of drama here and there. Too much of a good thing gets boring.
PS: You're grad pics are fab - very pleased for you and the hubby!
"I don't want to be rich. Rich people do not impress me at all. I just want a money buffer - just enough to meet our needs plus a bit
more, just in case"
That's it exactly!
I'm somewhere in the middle of your comparisons. I'm tired of the crap that comes with dating, but the thought of being married scares me. I'd like a no- to low-stress life for a while.
What's wrong with being Rich? Doesn't everyone want to be ME?
Oh, wait. You meant "rich" with a small "r".
Never mind....
;-)
Huggs to you. Yes, it is true, we were the girls who were looked at. For me, now, at 35 and having had 4 kids, I see what you see when I go out. But, I look at it a different way. I say, "Yes, that was me, I had a great time, but it is their time to have fun now".
It was a time to experiment, find our way out there in the party scene, dancing and singing. Not that we cannot do it now, or maybe we don't want to do it now, but when we go out now, we cannot replicate it. I am not sure I want to. In years to come, those girls will look at girls younger than them and say the same things!!! Ironic.
I am the same as you, I am happy with what I have got, I am happy where I have been. I think having a near death experience makes you realise all this.
Regards to your hubby going off and doing his own business, I hope he does well. If he cannot try you cannot know how well he will do. He may, as my hubby did, go back to a salary employment. My hubby doesn't regret that he worked for himself for 4 years. We had just had our 2nd baby and onto our 3rd when he went out and did this.
Having your own business is hard work, but it can be satisfying. Just make sure you both get to have times together, even just to sit and watch a flick together, it is important.
Having said all of this..I feel like going out for a dance, or some karaoke :)
Calculated risks are important but so is staying true to a course when you've commited yourself financially. From my personal experience, I would have done it all differently when my husband decided to "go it alone." To have insured a certain level of income, I should have asked that he maintain a designated monthly income amount for a specified period of time before he quit his "real job." As it was, he would start a project and not get paid for several months. 90% of his customers loved him, but he got stiffed by the other 10% plus a whole lot of unscrupulous vendors and suppliers. It ain't easy, it is supremely stressful and it's what makes for a more fulfilled life: Going for our Dream. My husband went for it, decided it wasn't worth it and is now safely back in a full time position with a large company. However, there are tons of people who do find success and happiness. The other thing I regret is not making an agreement with him at the onset about when to "pull the plug" and go back to working for someone else. We should have identified the income, cash flow, pending business levels that had to be maintained or admit it was time to throw in the towel. We were waaaaay too dreamy and La-La about the whole thing.
Jezzy,
You are beginning to exhibit signs of the "Phase 1/Phase 2 blending mode" This is a newly developed theory by (who else,..me) and is the subject of my blog today and the second section which I'll write tomorrow after Church (I have to be sure God understands it's all just an idea, a theory, a hypotheses, and not a law, so keep the lightning down when I'm out there playing golf!)
Seriously check out Phase 1 & 2 and you too can see into the future, and if you dare try Phases 3 and 4 tomorrow.
As an "old fart" I can tell you Phase 3 is accurate, and as I transition into Phase 4 in the next six or eight years I think my theories may hold water.
Love your writing,...I shouldda been a Phd then I could write good!
:)
Mr. Guinness
We were talking about some of these themes this week in Chicago. Sure, we went out a lot and all that, but our little group just didn't want to do any bar hopping until the wee hours of the morning with the usual conference crowd, and we elected to order in the last night. We started talking about what that meant... like if it meant we were getting old or something like that. Finally, my friend who's getting married in less than six weeks named what we feel - "at rest." We are looking for fun from those sources now. At first, the phrase kind of freaked me out. (I was thinking, "Rest in peace.") But it isn't really referring to that kind of rest. I guess the topics like finances might seem boring to some people, but I personally find it very interesting. I mean, you guys are wiling to do what it takes to find what you want in life. That's pretty exciting, I think. Even though things haven't been great in some periods of my 30s, I have enjoyed my 30s way more than my 20s. I like the way things are now, and I wouldn't want to go back for anything. =o)
I feel ya', sistah! Here's the deal. Back in September when I quit receiveing child support, I thought I was living tight. Then 1/3 of my income disappeared. Somehow, I've made it...and you will too. That's my point. You'll always make it no matter what.
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