Here's where I have to rant...

Yeah, I'm not supposed to be blogging, I'm supposed to be working on the PhD. Unfortunately I can't concentrate on the PhD right now. I'm worried.

Hubby found a lump in his testicle the other week. Now, I know such things are common and usually amount to nothing.
I'm a health professional after all.
And I've been through it myself - when I was 19, I found a lump in my breast and had to have a scan and they told me it was a blocked duct, a cyst, and I've had ones since, and yeah, it's so common that it's happened to a great deal of people I know - boobs and balls - you get it checked out - it's no big deal.

So I did what was expected of any wife in that situation - I burst into an uncontrollable fit of tears, completely freaking out my poor husband in the process. I'm hopeless. I give off the impression of someone who has complete control of her life, but in reality, it only takes a trigger like that for me to completely lose it.

Anyway, he went to the doctor last Saturday and was referred to have an ultrasound - so far, so good - total run of the mill stuff.

He had the ultrasound, got the results today .... and was told he needed to have a CT scan.

Okay, breathe, Jezzy, breathe.

He just had the scan, I just spoke to him on the phone. He said it was a horrible experience. God knows when he'll get the results.

So right now, I'm barely holding it together.




He's my life.

It's a scary thing, getting married.

I was talking to a colleague of mine about this on Saturday while I was working at the pharmacy and waiting for hubby to call with an update regarding his doctor's visit. Marrying someone is so scary. I've seen what she's been through with her hubby - with his father dying, and him slipping into a pattern of emotional problems. It's been hard for her but she's stuck by him because he's her husband.

As most people, except the deluded, know - marriage isn't the end of the story, the happy ending. It's damn hard work. And things like this make it harder. It's not just about getting along with someone, it's being utterly devoted to them.

To me, hubby is me. And I am him. I am a part of him and he is a continuous part of me. I would do anything for him and I know he feels the same way back.

I'm not saying I'm all Tammy Wynette and that marriage is about standing by some man who isn't worth standing by. God knows I've had a good taste of reality with the amount of divorces that have happened around me.
I read a study recently that reported that people born in the 80s in Australia who marry will have an approx. 28% chance of divorce, and the figure keeps climbing, reaching 33% or so for people born in the 90s. (Now, the PhD researcher in me wonders about how on earth that was estimated and on what trends those projections were made, but that's beside the point.)

The stories that I'm confronted with all the time show how bloody difficult marriage is.
A family friend was talking to me the other day about her year from hell. Her mother fell very ill with cancer and died a very slow and painful death, her brother suddenly died leaving behind a wife and young kids. Shortly afterwards, she was diagnosed with bowel cancer and was undergoing chemo for a number of month. And then she found out that her husband was having an affair with her next door neighbour.

All in the space of a few months.

But she survived, she pulled things together, she's okay. (And if I ever think I'm in a bad situation about anything, I have to remember what she's been through because I don't think many people could top that one.)

Anyway, going back to my point, yes, some marriages don't work, but that doesn't mean we should be over-cautious, keep our distance, never trust, never immerse yourself in another person, never give of yourself completely - for fear of being hurt. Because that means never experiencing what it means to feel like a complete unit with someone else. It's a powerful feeling. It's like it's us against the world and fuck you to anyone or anything who tries to come between us.

But in feeling that amazing feeling - that complete unison with another person - it also means you feel the full ramifications of the "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health" thing.

Because I can't just detach and think "it'll be okay. He's fine"
And even though I'm an eternal optimist, in a situation like this, I just have to stop myself from thinking.
The rational side to me says that it'll be nothing and even if it is, it'll be alright, we can deal with it.
But the side to me that's raging beneath the surface right now screams "I don't want to live if anything happens to him! I cannot cope with the thought of it!!"

I was going to call my Mum and have a chat but I know I'll start crying and crying and I don't want to burden her with that. No parent likes to see their children that upset. (And if I'm like this already when anything threatens my husband, God knows what I'll be like as a parent!)

So anyway, there's my update. I feel a little better for vomiting my random thoughts onto this blog, and I probably make little sense, but I just wanted to let it out.

And now I just want to hear that he's okay.