It's funny how every family has a buried scandal or tragedy somewhere.
As both my parents come from large families, we have plenty. Drugs, sex, death, whatever. Everyone has to deal with these things. Families are complicated, people are complicated, things can get very messy very easily.
Today one of my Mum's highschool friends came over for dinner.
Her story takes the cake.
She was married at 18 to someone who turned out to be totally abusive - but she stayed with him for 38 years because she had absolutely no self-esteem. He was having numerous affairs, one of which was with her younger sister. Her treated her like absolute crap.
He sexually abused both of their daughters too. It's just so totally horrifying.
The eldest daughter ended up marrying another abusive man, divored him after having her first child with him and ended up living with another man, had a second child, before he was jailed for sleeping with an underage girl.
Her younger daughter is a heroin addict.
She's now living with a new man - who happens to be her other sister's husband. So none of her family want anything to do with her.
You know, I was having dinner, listening to all of this, thinking "this is so totally screwed up." I mean, it's sad - it's horrible to live such an unstable house - she's a nice person, it's not fair that life turns out the way it does.
And I thought, the most important thing in life sometimes is stability. A stable, caring, supportive environment.
That's one thing I'm glad that I've always had and that's the one thing I want to pass on to my kids - when I have them. I really think it makes all the difference in life.
I know it's easier said than done, but it's something worth working towards.
7 comments:
You are absolutely right. It makes you appreciate the stability you had as a child, doesn't it? Funny, how so much comes down to luck, and if you were lucky enough to be blessed with a good, stable family.
I came from a fairly unstable family until my mom remarried. It is sad that so many think that living such an unstable life is normal.
Chaos breeds and produces offspring that is even more chaotic and unstable than it's parents. It takes a very strong person to see it and follow through with breaking it's cycle.
I'm not sure I agree with that. Some of the most well-adjusted, sane, real people I know come from some pretty unusually fucked-up backgrounds... and vice versa.
There's a quote from one of the greatest films ever made that I love to recite...
(ripped straight from the root of all good, IMDb)
Lowell: You know, you're not going to get a lot of sympathy. Do you know how many people would give their right arm to live your life?
Suzanne: But that's the problem. I can't feel my life. I look around me and I know so much of it is good. But it's like this stuff with my mother. I know that she does these things because she loves me... but I just can't believe it.
Lowell: Maybe she'll stop mothering you when you stop needing mothering.
Suzanne: You don't know my mother.
Lowell: I don't know your mother, but I'll tell you something. She did it to you and her mother did it to her and back and back and back all the way to Eve and at some point you just say, "Fuck it, I start with me."
Lowell (Gene Hackman) and Suzanne Vale (Meryl Streep)
Postcards From The Edge
...and having reread that quote, I know it's missing a few words here and there.
But anyhoo.
What makes me sad is seeing people who know that they've accepted too much or too little and now that they've reached the end of their lives, they're full of regrets! THAT's the ultimate in human tragedy. The ultimate in human triumph are the people who manage to overcome chaos when they're young and go on to lead a satisfying life.
I stare at such a tale in confusion, mostly because I don't understand staying in such a situation when you have children...thirty eight years? Self esteem or no, why can't some women realize that there are worse things than having no man...mainly having a BAD man? And I feel so sorry for the kids now navigating life with no real vision on how it should go. They're just winging it. All I want is for my kids to feel loved and know how to expect to be loved. If I can clear those two hurdles, it'll hardly matter as far as me divorcing, remarrying, or standing on my head and singing children's rhymes.
Life isn't stable no matter how hard we try to keep it that way. Homes burn up, wash away, blow down, people die, lie, leave, misuse and can't cope.
It's the way it is. Learning to keep your balance and outlook when the world goes tipsy on you is hard.
Juanita - I guess I was pretty lucky - I very much appreciate it now.
Barbara - oh so true. Hubby had a rather unstable childhood - but he's so together. He's lucky - I have two cousins who had awful family problems as children and they have such emotional problems now.
Deemacgee - well, yes, like my hubby with his insane, fucked up family. On the other hand, you get these lovely stable families with really fucked up kids for no apparant reason.
Laura - yes, how very true.
Kira - yes, I don't know, she was very young and he manipulated her and made her feel like she was never going to get anything better. She was also an Asian in a Western country and felt so isolated. And you're very right - your attitude towards life speaks volumes to your kiddies.
Valerie - life is fucking unpredictable. I guess stability is something that's a mixture of both what's happening to you, and how you can deal with it. Some people cope better than others in the face of anything.
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