I haven't enjoyed this year.
2006 just doesn't feel like a good year so far.
I mean, it started off bad. With Hubby having to go through cancer
treatment and me feeling just devastated and helpless.
Then there's just so much more.
I turned my back on academia, and as a result, feel very unfulfilled
workwise. But I can't afford to be an academic. Not until they get
paid something that reflect their qualifications and the amount of
work that goes into everything!
Submitting the PhD was such an anti-climax. I know I'll probably feel
better if/when it's accepted but at the moment, I don't feel anything.
I miss my friends. I feel more lonely than I ever used to.
Financially, I don't know whether we're just being really ambitious
and if it'll all pay off in the long run, or if we're taking some
stupid risks.
The loans have come through, but there's hardly any time until
settlement with this house, and the risk of having such a massive,
huge, mother of a mortgage on multiple properties in this expensive
city feels really overwhelming right now.
I've been thinking about working weekend extra shifts as a pharmacist
again just for a couple of years so that we can make the thing more
managable before we decide, and are able (given Hubby's health), to
have kids.
Gawd and in the midst of all of this, I think I've lost sight of where
I really want to be. Do I need/want all of this?
Because right now, I feel like I've made a million wrong decsions and
that every step I take, takes me further away from the person I always
wanted to be and the life I always wanted to live.
I just don't feel happy and I'm not quite sure why.
4 comments:
Jezzy,
Where do you really want to be? If you let that picture fade,...well don't even let it. We are but a people composed of dreams, hopes and aspirations, without that, merely a bunch of useless protoplasm waiting for something further up the food chain to have us for lunch!
Mr. guinness
I think you've just had too much to process this year, Jezzy. Once you can start checking off some of the stressful situations as "resolved, for better or worse," I think you can sit down and sort yourself out enough to be happy again. I know that right now I still have a few stresses, but since about half of them have now been resolved, I'm back to being content. No matter how up you try to be or look at life, there simply ARE times when we are overwhelmed! It's ok. And it will pass.
I have known a lot of people who had the same kind of "am I becoming what I want to be" crisis in their late 20s. (I was one of them, lol. It was when I decided to leave teaching and go corporate... ROFL.) But you have all that added stress of your hubby getting sick and finishing a dissertation on top of what may be a normal thing in a person's life at your age. The good news is that it looks from reading your blog at least that you've survived most of it. Not only that, you've come out of it pretty darn successfully. I think Kira's right - just look at each thing you're going through and check it off if you can. That should surely help. Then, listen to your intution about the person you want to become. You'll get it sooner or later. It took me at least a year of questioning before I finally realized I couldn't not teach, no matter how much I tried. =o) And about the being lonely stuff... just keep your eyes open and see who's out there for new friendships. If the old friends don't show up for you, you'll find good new people sooner or later.
I agree with what's been written above, just try to ride through the mass of stuff you're dealing with at the moment and as each thing gets ticked off you will be able to breath better, see through the fog better and find some time to think about where you are headed. We all have times like this, where there is just too much to deal with and it is very hard, but we all get through somehow.
As for feeling the anticlimax of a PhD, I can tell you I felt the same, still do - no elation even when I graduated and got to wear the 'poomfy' hat! A lot of my friends were the same, so I feel it is completely normal to feel an anticlimax. You've worked hard for a number of years and then you just hand in a bunch of paper with words on them - doesn't seem like much for all you've gone through. Now I can reflect and see that I did learn a lot and it is often the side benefits that I see now - the ability to think to solve a problem, the ability to write, the ability to work in a stressful team environment when nothing is working etc. You will come to that point too, but I think that point only comes with some distance.
I also find it hard when I feel alone and without friends (as I do a lot here since moving to Sydney and not having the time to pursue thing because of work and study). It is hard to let go of the strong friends I had at high school, then uni - I don't know when to let go or how, but I think jadedprimadonna has a good point of trying to find new friends...though that also has its trials!
Hang on to what good you can see at the moment and bide your time until each stressful thing disappears.
(sorry this is so long, but I feel I can empathise a little with what you are going through)
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