It's like my world has changed.
I can't quite describe it, but reading deemacgee's latest post makes
me feel like I'm not the only one feeling this way.
I have a lot of good in my life. A wonderful husband, some great
friends - old and new, a good job, a lovely new house, supportive
family - I want for nothing. I had a great weekend, I do lots of fun
things, I'm loved and cared for.
But the way I feel right now differs markedly from the way I felt this
time last year.
Like deemacgee says, it's not one thing, it's so many things happening
at once that has given me the feeling that I just can't cope.
Maybe part of it is "late-20s" thing. When you realise that what you
worked so hard to acheive isn't what's making you happy. When you
realise that even though you seem to have done really well compared to
your peers, you're not necessarily any better off than them.
Some of it relates to hubby's cancer and the feeling that it could
come back and I could lose him. That has had a huge impact on me. I
had never thought too much about death and now I keep thinking what I
would do if he died, or if my parents die. It's terribly pessimistic,
but it's not easy to shake, no matter how many times I tell myself to
live for the moment and not be scared of things that *could* happen.
A lot of the feeling right now relates to financial instability. The
weight of a triple mortgage in this expensive city, and the feeling of
uncertainly as to whether taking such huge risks is worth it. I truly
hate this feeling. The irony is that right now, hubby and I are
earning more than twice as much as we did at the start of last year,
and yet we're stretched to the limit now - whereas last year, we were
going out heaps and quite relaxed about our expenditure. I'm not going
to be okay about this for a quite a long time, until things stabilise.
There's just so many new things to learn - right now I'm trying to
figure out how to sell some of my shares to free up some more finances
and it's all complicated and I really, really don't like doing this
sort of thing. It's the hugest headache.
Other bits of this feeling come from a professional disatisfaction. Of
submitting a PhD thesis and realising that what comes after it isn't
that interesting or great. What an anticlimax.
And along with that, there's the feeling (which has come back after
being absent for 10 years) of not fitting in. This workplace feels a
little like a bitchy, cliquey highschool and I'm not liking it.
And all these things, in combination, have made me feel like I've lost
that feeling I used to have. That sparkly, zesty feeling. That feeling
of the world being at my feet.
Don't get me wrong - I haven't lost my ability to marvel at the beauty
of life, I still like who I am, I am grateful for all I have, I don't
think my whole life is going to be dismal forever, I still believe
that, with time, I'm going to be just fine.
It's just that right now, I feel this constant weight. It's not like
I'm sad, I'm just not that happy. And I'm feeling "not that happy" and
stressed everyday. And I've felt this way for months now and it's not
getting any better.
This is very different for me and I'm not quite sure how to cope. I
want to just snap out of it and not worry. I'm not even the type to
stress and worry - I've always been so laid-back about everything.
*sigh*
Anyway...
6 comments:
Change is so tough. You had a lot to deal with last year, and now you have so many positive changes going on, but you're probably still mentally exhausted from all the things that have happened. So, now, good things - like a new house and finishing the thesis - are happening, but it almost sounds like you need a little vacation or something so that you can let it all sink in. Being made to feel different or left out at work is no fun, but you'll find your place soon - I feel certain. Right around your age is when I decided to leave my job teaching high school to get my Master's; I think something about the 30s approaching just makes a person question a lot of stuff in life. I think you'll start feeling like yourself again soon.
It's also difficult to achieve some major goals and then know what to do next. I feel very accomplished in many areas of my life...althought the weight of the responsibility for what I've "achieved" is heavy at time. On the other hand, the things I care about the most...the people, the animals, etc...are all the more highly treasured because I realize how delicate the life balance thing is. I've got no control whatsoever what happens to them. It's a difficult dichotomy to balance, and it's amazing, really, that you've reached this point so early. It's sort of the crossroads when one becomes wiser but loses a bit of innocence about life. Not sure any of this is makiing sense, Jezz. I just know that I've gone through the same thing and I can relate.
I think I was about your age when I realized I wasn't happy with what I was doing. I lost my job (but I wanted to quit anyway) and then started to pursue my interests instead of the interests imposed upon me. Maybe you should have a mid-life crisis while you're young enough to get away with it. Buy a motorcycle and get into heavy metal.
I totally second what Grant just said. My 20-something crisis was when I got into Metal, and it has empowered me and put everything into perspective. It sounds silly and probably unlikely to people who don't get it, but getting into that kind of music made me a better person. =o)
You just need to see another child on some adult's shoulders shouting, yay! Yay! Yay! Then you might be able to tap into the great Yayness of the universe once again ;) Meanwhile, I think it's perfectly normal to have this restlessness at this stage of the game, what with all that is going on in your life.
growing up sucks. sorry you've got the blues. something like cancer will make a pessimist of anyone. you're doing fine, though. bit of an adjustment and you'll be alright.
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