Growing up - and older...

I love some of the crazy social documentaries on SBS and ABC.

Last night, they screened an American one called "Still Doing It: The
Intimate Lives Of Women Over 65".

Sure, there were plenty of things to cringe at – no one likes the
thought of wrinkly old people sex, no matter what they
politically-correctedly *should* think – but there were plenty of very
interesting points.

The baby boomers are gonna start turning 65 in the next few years.
There are old women everywhere – women over 65 are the fastest growing
age group. Many of them don't fit the categorisation of "old" – my mum
is a few years away from 65 – she doesn't seem old. Our very
definition of "old" and "elderly" is changing.

A great chunk of these women are widows. Men just don't hack it. Plus,
older men who *are* single generally go for younger women – which
leaves the older women with what? (But that's a whole *other* blog
post).

Or the women are divorcees after their husband has left them for
someone younger. (Again, the bastards – yet another blog post for the
future).

It always makes me laugh when people go on about older women on TV in
shows like Desperate Housewives or the such. They're not older! Women
in their 40s and 50s are *not* older women! You'd never say the same
of men on TV at that age. Besides, 40-50 year old men are allowed to
be sexy on TV – it's so rare to see the same of women. Oh – and
speaking of Desperate Housewives – none of those women look their age,
act their age (the characters are so silly/childish/self-centred –
they're like annoying 20 year olds!), or let themselves be free of
surgical intervention. We shouldn't aspire to grow up to be like that!

I love women like Helen Mirren. She's so utterly gorgeous. Granted,
she's lucky enough to have great genes, but she's, what, 60? - and
comes across as intelligent, aware, sexy and graceful. That's what I
want to be like. That's what I aspire too.

Watching that doco made me more aware of what I think about myself as I age.
Granted, I'm not quite 28! But getting older is something I've started
thinking more and more about for a few reasons:

1. Hubby's cancer diagnosis made me sharply aware that I may not
necessarily have someone to grow old with. I guess I never thought
about it like that before. It's scary. But watching those women made
it sharply real. Many women age alone.

2. My mum turned 60. Sixty! How can my mum be 60?! My Dad turns 60
next year – both his parents were dead by that age.

3. I have left the "glory bubble years". The Glory Bubble years are
that time in a girl's life – from around 16 to 25 – where she's
*really* noticed and she *knows* that she's noticed. You become
gradually aware when you start to enter those years – the increasing
male attention, looking fantastic when you dress up for a big night
out – and you become sharply aware of it when you start to leave those
years. You start to know what it feels like to become invisible. And
then it hits you – you will be invisible from now on – you will become
the mother, the grandmother, the old lady.
Okay I'm exaggerating, but there's that Goldie Hawn quote:
"There are only three ages for women in Hollywood - Babe, District
Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy."

In our culture - we're just not seen as "babes" after a certain age.
Although – truth be told – being a "babe" isn't the same as being sexy
and attractive. And I'd rather been seen as sexy and attractive than
as a "hot babe".
It's like the whole thing with women who try to be all cute after they
turn 30. It doesn't work. I used to know a girl who'd still wear her
hair in pig tails with glittery lipgloss at 35. Why do that to
yourself?

Anyway, I'm getting way off-topic here.

Truth is, I'm heading away from the Glory Bubble years and it's making
me insecure about myself. And it shouldn't.

Why am I so hung up that my hip bones don't stick out anymore when I
wear low cut jeans and that I have a dreaded muffin top instead? At
least I have breasts now! – I didn't have those when I was in my early
20s! And yet...

Look - I'm vain enough to admit that I just want to look good sometimes.
I'm childish enough to admit that I liked being thinner – not because
it's healthier, but because I just liked getting checked out more and
that even though I'm quite happily married, I sure miss the attention.
I'm insecure enough to admit that I need to feel like I'm being
checked out, even if I don't know why I should even want that. It's
stupid.
It's the kind of attitude that works against me – and all women.

It's stupid because there's so much more than just that...

In the documentary, there was one woman who had been married until she
was widowed at 60. Then she was with another man who died 10 years
later. Then – in her 80s – she finally met the man who was the love of
her life!
It was so gorgeous. It's a meeting of minds really, isn't it? Stuff it
that she was in a nursing home in a wheelchair – because those
feelings are timeless and ageless.

But then he died during the making of the documentary! I cried!!

I remember going to this church thing once for married couples, and
one of the couples – who looked like they were in their 70s – talked
about making love on the same bed for 50 years with Christ's crucifix
hanging above the bed, binding them together.
I totally admit to sniggering at the image – poor Jesus having to
witness that! Didn't he suffer enough?!

But that's childish. Because it's beautiful to love like that.
To go beyond the physical – by using the physical.
To love so much deeper than some magazine notion of what
attractiveness should be.

We don't put enough value on that kind of love.

But back to the over 65 women from the documentary.

I know which ones I don't want to be.

I don't want to be the one who was so sex-obsessed with raggy long
hair, who still went around in a bikini (gaah!), tried to be trendy by
swearing, and who had no family in her life.
I don't want to be the one who took up with a lover 40 years younger
than herself.
Those women came across as sad, desperate, trying to be what they're
not, and with no hope of ever being truly happy.

But I do want to be like the ones who never give up on love – knowing
that it's not all about sex, but that intimacy goes much deeper than
that.
I do want to be like the ones who stay fit and well, who learn to
laugh at it all, without huge hang-ups over their changing physiques.
I want to be like the older women who were intelligent, well-read, who
took care of their appearance (in a way that made them look great –
but not necessarily younger and plastic surgery-addicted) and most
importantly, I want to be like the older women who have self-respect -
something that was completely missing in some of the other women –
like the one in the bikini or the one with the young lover.

It was only the women with self-respect who were able to find true
love – to find their emotional and intellectual equals - and who were
truly happy with themselves.