Gimme some peace!

So I'm feeling kinda wound up. Things are just too hectic.

Hubby wants to quit his job to focus on his business full time. Which
would be fine if the huge mortgage wasn't an issue.

I dunno why I panic, I just do.

It's more that I'll be leaving next week, Hubby's business partner is
also going on holidays for three weeks – leaving tomorrow (a
pre-booked holiday which has proved to be very bad timing!), and now a
contract for work which was supposed to begin next month, now needs to
start on Monday!

I know it's his issue and not mine really, but it's impossible to
separate him from me in my own mind and so all these things that I
don't even need to do myself gets me all worked up, as if I were him.
Confusing? Totally.

I don't know why all the things he needs to do should affect me so much.
I'm sitting here worrying about his new staff, their contracts, their
rates of pay, the contract with the company, how he's going to manage
on his own while the business partner is away, what's going to happen
to our bank account if he can't draw enough of a wage to match his
current pay yet, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm worried about myself next week – getting around Beijing alone
– it's scary and I fully admit to not being "Miss Independent" – I'm
more "Ms Too-freaked-out-to-do-things-alone-knowing-it's-pathetic". I
know this sounds terrible, but I'm more comfortable when I've
travelled in countries that speak more English – like Hong Kong or
Singapore or India or Malaysia.
Gawd, I haven't even finalised the talk I'm doing – actually getting
up there in front of a thousand people and talking about my research
is actually the least of my worries!

I'm also worked up about leaving Hubby for almost a month during a
really stressful time. (Actually, I wrote "the most stressful time
ever" at first but had to re-phrase with a bit of persepctive. I
figured that we've had plenty of stressful things lately to rival
starting a new business. Let's add a cancer diagnosis, buying a new
house, reinvesting our other loans and feeling very pov, both starting
new jobs, finishing a PhD, being estranged from Hubby's mother due to
her pretty much destroying my aunt's life – hmm, what else has
happened lately?)

You know, I'd be fine with this – totally fine – if this was the only
stressful things happening in our lives – but after so much crap over
the last two years, I'm tired.

Where is that quiet peace and joy I have sought for so long?