End of Year

I don't think I'll get a change to write over the weekend, so here are
Jezzy's Annual End of Year Thoughts.

I don't even want to summarise all the crap we've been through this
year. It'll just make me feel down. January was awful and it just kept
on coming.

I guess I can say that I'm grateful for the comments I got from you
all as I've ranted and let it all out here (thanks Blogger!). I always
think that there has to be plenty of people who have been in similar
situations and who can relate, or who have been through enough to know
the feelings I attempt to express.

Anyway, it's not all bad. Hubby appears to be doing okay and that's
the most important thing. We have a new house! I'm starting to get
used to it and feel much more at home there. We are sooooo broke
because of all the financial risk-taking (which shits me considering
we're both earning twice as much as we did two years ago), but I'm
damn good at budgeting. (Hey - my parents had practically nothing when
we came to this country. My doll's house was a cardboard box with
doors and windows cut out. It didn't bother me then because that's all
I knew, and it's prepared me for now because it means I'm not really a
material person. It's a lot harder on Hubby who is used to buying
things whenever he wants it rather than saving up.) Anyway, that
risk-taking means that it's gonna be hard now, but it'll be great in
the future. Just give us a few years.

As always, I've learnt a lot this year:

1. Good health is #1.

I got so shitty a few weeks ago when Hubby's friend brought another
English friend over to our place for dinner and both sat on the
balcony opposite us smoking. As they lit up, they said, "well you've
got to die of something." How demented. How dare they blow smoke on my
husband who's recovering from cancer and who has chest X-rays every
few months to make sure it hasn't spread to his lungs?! And how dare
they act in such a manner at my house?! What total fuckers. Acting
like that is really bogan. Sure, we all have to die from something,
but I'd rather not cut it short, put those around me in danger, and do
something that has so many consequences that I can't even be bothered
writing about it because you all know anyway. I understand it when
older people smoke because they started during a time when it was more
socially acceptable and it was widely advertised and we didn't quite
know the consequences. I even understand when younger people do it,
because of the peer pressure thing. Besides, almost everyone tries it
once. But to take it up at this age, knowing what we know, is
completely moronic. You'd have to have some total mental problem.

Oh, and boys, check your balls.
All the time.
Do not hestitate to go to your doctor if you spot anything unusual.
Testicular cancer is one of the most common cancers in young men. And
the rate is getting higher. But it's very curable - if caught early.
Hubby was lucky that it didn't spread further than his abdomen, but if
it's left too late, it spreads to the lungs, and then to the brain.
Not good.

And no one expects something like that to happen to them. But it
happens. And you deal with it. Just be the one in control.

2. Trust.

Most people are nice, but don't just trust everyone to act in your
best interest.
People do what's best for them, and sometimes that means stepping on
you. I have so many examples this year and I wont go into it, but I
guess it means that you have to take responsibility for what happens.
No one is going to fix things for you. You have to do it.
No one is going to drag you out of a hole if you're trapped. You have
to work out what needs to be done.
No one is going to go out of their way to acknowledge you if there's
nothing in it for them, you have to promote yourself.
Most people will not act completely selflessly towards you. They will
act in their best interests. Learn to not expect so much and it's
harder to be disappointed by people.
People act in ways that can really hurt you.
Maybe they're being bitter, maybe selfish, or greedy, or maybe they've
just changed their mind about you.

And that's okay.

I'm trying to not take any of it personally.
When it comes down to it, it's not really about me. What they do isn't
all about me, it's about them. I have to just be a bit more realistic
about my expectations.

3. The honeymoon is over.

I've been married almost three years - I guess we're no longer
newlyweds. And now it's weird to watch newlyweds bask in each other's
glory. It's funny. I love my husband more than I ever did, but when
there's so much stress in both our lives it's impossible for it to be
Sweetness and Light all the time. I do believe we're closer in many
ways, but we drive each other nuts sometimes. When people say that
marriage is hard work, they're right. But it's something worth working
at. When you stop working at it, you end up more alone than you ever
could have imagined. I hope to never give up trying. Besides, he
really is very, very lovely, even if he's a moody, naughty boy every
so often. But he's still the bestest cuddler in the world and can be
such an angel of a husband.

4. Work.

I wish I was someone who was passionate about my work but I'm not. I'm
passionate about my friends and family and my own interests.
Don't get me wrong, I like my job(s) and my profession and I did enjoy
doing a PhD and I have strong views about many issues relating to my
field of employment. But it's just work.
However, I have got to make the most out of the eight hours a day I
spend in an office surrounded by people I didn't choose to associate
with. I can't just get here, work and leave without doing something
more. Office politics suck, but they're there. I need to be a little
more savvy when it comes to mixing in with the in group. It feels like
highschool all over again - I'm used to just being me, I suck as a
game player - but it has to be that way. I have to push myself, dress
up, speak up and play a role to get by in this corporate world or I
will continue to be stepped on.

I still haven't worked out what I want to do with my life and I've
come to the conclusion that I'm one of those people who are always
looking for the next thing to do. Maybe i just have to accept that.
While also accepting that there are bills to pay and I'm not living a
daydream life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lyrics for the end of 2006:

"Special Ones" - george.

Isn't it funny how you never really screamed at my face, but your
anger so unspoken and unchannelled permeates my essence to the point
where I
Don't want to see you hear you, be anywhere near you, you probably
think I'm threatened by you but your illusionary power doesn't
threaten me.

Actually I think it's kind of funny that you create an illusion that
is a mirror, I don't appreciate you and I know that that surprises
you.
I suppose you see that those who follow their heart always win, those
with integrity have won the match before it's begun.

Chorus
So rather than being kicked around, I'm going to kick you to the curb
So rather than being pushed around, I'm going to push you away first
So rather than trying to protect you, I'm going to cover my bases first
So rather than trying to open my heart, I'm going to lock it with a key
So that only the special ones, so that only the special ones, can ever
get through to me.

Some can see beyond the barrier of threshold whereas others can't see
beyond their sculptured mould.
You could offer me nothing, you could offer me nothing that I need.
Do you think I'm asking too much? A kind of respect and trust that
shouldn't even be questioned.
How can I open my heart with dishonesty sitting next to me?

I've honoured your honour to the point of embarrassment, but innocence
in the hands of the guilt-free is kicked to, is kicked to the curb.
I was ashamed of my innocence, I was ashamed of my innocence but now
with clarity I see that your bullshit is just not worthy of me.

Chorus

I don't want to be angry.... This is not worthy of me and now with
clarity I see that I can walk away, I can walk away...

Chorus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So goodbye 2006, you total bitch!
I hate you!!!

Okay, I will not be bitter. lol

I mean, I've always been a positive person and a new year is a chance
to just let it go...and move on.

...breathe out...

Besides, there is much to do.
My next post will be Resolutions.
Wanna see just how successful I can be?

Fuck em all. I know I can do it.